I saw some people on the telly this morning having the acupuncture done. I reckon that's a big bag of wrong.
If it's not working, do acupuncturists use bigger and bigger needles, eventually moving up to daggers? There must be a point at which the benefits are outweighed by the harm done.
Now, I know some people who have had acupuncture and they say they feel a lot better after having it. But then I reckon I'd feel a lot better too after somebody took a load of needles out of my back. And also before somebody put a load of needles into my back. But probably not during the period of having a load of needles in my back.
To test this theory, I asked my colleague Fat Brian if I could give him a Chinese burn*. Here are the results.
FAT BRIAN: "Fine. Bit peckish."
09.12 Chinese burn applied
FAT BRIAN: "Nnnnnnnnghhh! Oooooo! Aieeee! Ow! Ow! Ow! Is the canteen open? Nnnnnnnnngggghhhh! Stop it! Stop it! Stop it!"
09.16 Chinese burn withdrawn.
FAT BRIAN: "Ooh, that's better. That really is... Right (CLAPS HANDS), bacon!"
Following my experiment, I've decided to set myself up as a Chinese burn therapist. I'm going to charge £10 a minute, which is quite a lot pro rata as it works out as £600 an hour, but I don't think people will generally want the full hour. And also there's often a bit of jerking about, so occasionally I might be hit.
If you'd like me to give you a Chinese burn, please leave your name in the comments box below.
* I understand that our American cousins refer to the technique as an Indian burn, but I'm not sure whether this refers to people from the Indian subcontinent or Native Americans. Either way, I'm happy to accept that the technique could have developed in both China and India or North America independently. There's no need for a row about this.