Thursday, 24 December 2009

Tuesday, 22 December 2009

Disappointing Christmas Decorations No. 2

Today's example comes from Franklins Deli in Liverpool. It is a new venture which has a lot of red splashed here and there, so it is difficult to know whether the red candles are part of the everyday decor. To be honest, it's the sort of place which could have massive red candles all over the place. The teeny tiny ickle red tree hiding in the middle of the picture is definitely a decoration.

Remember, if you have any examples of your own, please contact me at my Twitter address @GrahamBandage, and I'll put it up here. The most disappointing will win a prize. An actual prize. You're pushing it if you want to get it in before Christmas, and after that it'll be a bit melancholy. Tell you what, you can add it as a comment down below. I can't say fairer than that.*

* I can. It's easy

Tuesday, 15 December 2009

Graham's Bandages

Disappointing Christmas Decorations No. 1

Over the next couple of weeks I hope to highlight some of the slightly disappointing Christmas decorations I have encountered.

Today's example comes from the newsroom of the Liverpool Daily Post and Echo.

If you have any examples of your own, please contact me at my Twitter address @GrahamBandage, and I'll put it up here. The most disappointing will win a prize. An actual prize.

Many thanks.

Friday, 11 December 2009

The Friday Interview: The Rich Man Who Used To Be A Market Trader

In the latest of our series of interviews, Graham Bandage talks to Andrew Andrews, a man who went from being a humble market trader to one of the richest men in Britain.

Graham Bandage: Andrew Andrews, you've got a shedload of money.

Andrew Andrews: I should say so. Although I must say, I don't keep my money IN a shed. Banks are safer and more convenient.

GB: It's a shame, in a way. Imagine having a big load of money in your shed. That'd be ace.

AA: Can we move on?

GB: Yeah, I suppose. How did you make your money?

AA: Have you ever been to one of those German markets?

GB: Oh, yes. There are loads of them. I like them because they sell bread. But it's not ordinary bread that you'd get from a shop. It's extra-special bread that costs £10. Also sausages.

AA: That's right. You can't move for German markets in our city centres at this time of year. Gluhwein-crazed drunks stabbing each other. Teenagers off their faces on gingerbread. Bits of rope, the lot.

GB: I know you're very rich and everything, but what's your point?

AA: So what was happening in Germany?

GB: Eh?

AA: While all the German traders are over here?

GB: Eh?

AA: I flew over to Hamburg, and there were loads of Germans wandering around the market squares saying, "Was?" and other German words denoting confusion.

GB: Why?

AA: Because there were no stalls. All the German market traders were over in Britain charging £8 for a hot dog. I could see a gap in the market.

GB: Well, just a gap.

AA: What?

GB: There's no market. Your gap is essentially THE market. You've got a market-sized gap in the market.

AA: Anyway, I sent a load of English market traders over to Germany.

GB: How did that go down?

AA: Like a storm.

GB: Did you do the full experience?

AA: Oh yes, tarpaulin, wire coathangers, milk crates, the lot.

GB: That sounds great.

AA: Those Germans just couldn't get enough of our teatowels and "genuine" Avatar DVDs. And at £47 a pop, who could blame them?

GB: So that's how you made all your money.

AA: Oh, no, while I was over there I bought a Eurolottery ticket. Won £45m.

GB: Andrew Andrews, thank you.

Monday, 7 December 2009

Back To Liberalism

No, it's no good. I can't keep up the frothing certainty and hatred.

I'll have to try something else to get my blog stats up. I might try niche pornography. Possibly passive-aggressive porn where a lady disports in the nip, but with a disapproving expression.

That will definitely work.

Prominent Secret Jews

These days I'm shining the light of truth on the Godless/liberal/Marxist/Jewish conspiracy. It's a right old struggle, let me tell you. Anyway, if there isn't a big Jewish conspiracy to run the world, why are so many Jews hidden in public life? Answer me that, huh, huh?

Oh, you don't think there are any hidden Jews in public life? Then let me start at the top.

Number 1: The Pope

He's definitely Jewish.

  • Real name is Joe Ratzinger.
  • Often seen reading Old Testament (or 'Only Testament,' as he NO DOUBT refers to it in private).
  • Wears skull cap in public.
  • Papal name is Benedict, often abbreviated to Benny - like Benny Goodman.
  • Is circumcised.*

* Awaiting confirmation on this point. All requests to Vatican for proof have been ignored - firming up suspicion that Roman Catholic Church is part of pan-global Jewish conspiracy.

A Massive Change Of Direction

I haven't had as many people reading this blog over the past few weeks. I reckon it's because I'm a woolly liberal obsessed by unlikely soup and people saying inappropriate things in cartoon form.

No longer.

Today, my dear readers, I shall join the ranks of the right-wing conspiracy theory bloggers. That should put my readership right up. More later.

Friday, 4 December 2009

The Perfect Christmas Dinner

People often ask me, "Bandage, why don't you ever do a Q&A session on the perfect Christmas dinner." Usually, I reply along the lines of "It's July, you mentalist." But this seems like the ideal opportunity. If you have any questions of your own, please don't hesitate to ask and I shall endeavour to respond...

Q. I have 12 people coming on Christmas Day. What size turkey should I get?
A. Quite a big one.

Q. Do you cook the stuffing inside or outside the bird?
A. This is a trick question, isn't it? Inside. Otherwise it is not stuffing.

Q. How can I prevent my turkey from drying out?
A. Keep it moist.

Q. What should I do with the giblets?
A. Varnished, they make an unusual last-minute Christmas present.

Q. Do you have any suggestions to encourage my children to eat their sprouts?
A. Tell them that a bad man will take them away if they don't. Alternatively, take a leaf from the Christmas pudding book and put a pound coin inside one, although this might be dangerous.

Q. When should I make my Christmas pudding?
A. August.

Q. My mother tells me I should always stir my Christmas pudding clockwise with a wooden spoon - is this an old wives' tale and, if so, where does the superstition come from?
A. It's not an old wives' tale. I think your mother's just made it up. Is she quite a controlling person?

Q. Is my turkey cooked?
A. I have no way of knowing. Anyway, why are you cooking it now? Christmas is weeks away.