My Alternative To Democracy

Politicians. They've been causing a rumpus, haven't they, with their snouts in the trough? Frankly, the last place one would want to be in the current climate is the trough.

It's given me to wonder what exactly we expect from our politicians. Up until the 1960s politicians were fairly happy to stay aloof from hoi polloi*. But the likes of Harold Wilson wanted us all to think they were just like us.

I reckon that's a really bad idea. The last person I want to run the country is me. Well, the second to last. The last person I'd want to run the country is some bloke I know vaguely and consider to be a nitwit. I'd definitely be better than him.

Anyway, my point is I want somebody clever and public spirited. Not somebody who can't remember to take his sandwiches to work. Not somebody who clamps his hand around his keys when he walks past beggars in case they jingle so he doesn't give false hope.

I certainly don't want somebody who gets out of taxis before he needs to, just so that he can give the driver a pound instead of 80p, even though it won't affect the amount of money handed over to the driver.

So, this is my idea. We send out a big questionnaire, for everybody in the land to fill out. The first part is jam-packed with tricky sums and English comprehension tests. The second is filled with questions like, "If you thought you could get away with claiming 87p for a packet of Hobnobs, even though you were already dead rich, would you?"

Then we send out a big van, and this picks up people who've got at least 60%, and drives them down to Parliament. And then they run the country for a bit. And when they get bored or miss their mums or whatever, they get to go back home and the big van goes out and picks up another one.

This will definitely work.

* Ancient Greek for "the people." Some people say "The hoi polloi." They are directly contributing to IDA, the foolhardy idiots.