Frugal

I'm delighted by the Love Food Hate Waste campaign which is being foisted on various people around the country.

Now, I'm as environmentally-friendly as the next man, assuming the next man isn't made out of uranium, petrol-fumes and lead, but I was amused by the smashing recipe for Use Up Soup, "a nutritious, cheap and filling soup that takes only minutes to make and serve."

Here it is...

• 570ml chicken stock (made from leftover chicken bones)
• 1 garlic clove, finely sliced
• 4 overripe tomatoes
• 50g green vegetables, such as runner beans, French beans, mangetout, sugar snap peas, broccoli
• 1 tbsp tomato ketchup or 1/2 tbsp tomato puree
• 1 can 400g mixed beans
• 125g leftover cooked chicken or ham
• Salt and ground black pepper
• 50g leftover soft cheese such as Brie or goat's
• 1 spring onion, finely chopped
• Virgin olive oil
• leftover bread slices, lightly toasted

Mmm. Lovely. But I'm concerned by how often the specific circumstances required to make the soup come around. It must be a bit like a transit of Venus.

INT. KITCHEN - TEATIME

CHARLES AND EDDIE ARE IN THEIR KITCHEN. THEY ARE HOMOSEXUALS, BUT THIS IS NOT RELEVANT TO THE IMAGINING, OTHER THAN TO EXPLAIN WHY THEY ARE IN THE KITCHEN TOGETHER. AND ALSO BECAUSE I RARELY USE HOMOSEXUALIST EXAMPLES. (IF YOU LIKE, CHARLES COULD BE A BLACK GENTLEMAN.)

CHARLES
Crikey, Eddie, I'm awfully peckish.

EDDIE
Me too. Shall we see what to have for tea?

CHARLES
Yes. But let's not be wasteful. Let's make that lovely Use Up Soup.

EDDIE
Do we have the ingredients?

CHARLES
We're bound to, as it is "great for making sure any odds and ends are used up from the fridge." Open the fridge, Edward, and I shall recite the ingredients... First, chicken stock, made from leftover chicken bones.

EDDIE
Yes. Got that.

CHARLES
Garlic, overripe tomatoes.

EDDIE
Overripe? How ripe is overripe? These four are a bit squashy, but I'd just call them ripe. Do they need to have mould on?

CHARLES
They'll be fine. After all, Eddie, as my old gay dad used to say, "One man's ripe tomato is another man's overripe tomato."

MUCH LATER...

CHARLES
Leftover cooked chicken or ham.

EDDIE
Phew! We nearly ate all that cooked chicken when we cooked it with the aid of our cooker. Thank goodness for your prescience, Charles.

CHARLES
Leftover soft cheese, such as Brie or goat's.

EDDIE
Well, Charles, as you know, we are homosexuals so we always have Brie and goat's cheese in the fridge. Which would you prefer?

CHARLES
I've always liked goat's.

EDDIE
Goat's it is.

CHARLES
Spring onion. Virgin olive oil.

EDDIE
Ooo, shall we have extra virgin?

CHARLES
Why not? I'm very much in the mood for a treat vis-a-vis my tea, given the length of this list of ingredients. And finally... leftover bread slices.

EDDIE
Ha! I nearly looked in the fridge. I'd better close that, actually, lest any food go off. What a terrible irony that would be.

CHARLES
The bread, Eddie. Eddie? Eddie! What's wrong? Why do you weep so?

EDDIE
Oh, Charles, we've got no leftover bread. We've been too frugal and used it all. Shall I open a new loaf?

CHARLES
No leftover bread? Are you sure?

EDDIE
Would I lie to you?

CHARLES
No! It's all ruined, you bastard! I'm going home to my two gay fathers.

CHARLES KICKS EDDIE HARD IN THE HEAD.

ENDS.

That could very easily happen. Love Food Hate Waste? Love Food Hate Waste Hate People Want Them All To Be Frustrated, more like.