Painting The Town Red Sensibly

Look at these nice girls. They're having a cracking time, aren't they?


But are they? I don't think so. I think that it's just occurred to them that they've forgotten something very important.

I have noticed in recent times that ladies out on the town rarely remember their coats. This baffles me, as I never forget mine, especially when it's chilly.

I wonder perhaps if there's some sort of chemical in lipstick which makes young women forget this sort of basic stuff. Actually, there might be something in this. When was the last time you saw a transvestite in a duffel coat?

Anyway, I'm digressing. The point is young women, particularly in northern towns and cities, rarely wear nice big coats when they're out at night, even when they're wearing skimpy little numbers. Admittedly their hands are often warmed by bags of chips and/or kebabs, but that must be small comfort to a shivering young miss who's forgotten her coat.

I know what you're thinking: there's a top-notch business opportunity here. And you're right.

What I'm proposing is PRS - the Parka Rental Scheme. For an annual subscription and a 10p deposit, members, when leaving a club for another establishment, could pick up a coat from the cloakroom. Not just any coat, that would cause a fair bit of trouble I imagine.

No, these would be special dayglo parkas, with lovely furry hoods, probably with some sort of anti-binge drinking message printed on them. The young popsies would put them on and walk to the next drinking den/copping off palace all toasty warm.

Then, when they arrived, they'd whip it off and hand it in to the cloakroom in the new club.

I know what you're thinking now: what about going home? Well, there would be special parkas with lots of pockets for the hometime journey. Chip shops, instead of filling paper or cartons, would shovel the lovely hot salty chips straight into the pockets of the parkas, keeping the whole body warm, not just the hands.

Members would have to return the coats next time they went out, on pain of losing their 10p PRS deposit. But this would ensure that they didn't forget to wear a coat the next time they were off out.

I'd make woolly balaclavas available for men with shaven heads as well.

This will definitely work.