Falling Off The Perch

I was saddened beyond words to hear about the bird-fanciers fair in North Wales which took place in a hall with a mild gas leak, leading to the tragic deaths of 38 budgies.

I'm no expert in these matters, but I reckon not having a gas leak is the first thing that bird-fanciers would expect. It probably beats the availablilty of biscuits and adequate car parking.

I particularly feel sorry for the birds who survived. It must have been like 'Nam.

Of course, canaries were often used in the past down coal mines to detect gas pockets. Although it was an important job, I imagine it would be a difficult sell down at the canary Jobcentre. And here I am, imagining it...

INT. CANARY JOBCENTRE - DAY

AMANDA, CAREERS ADVISOR, WAITS AT HER PERCH.

ENTER YOUNG CANARY.

AMANDA:
How can I help you, young canary?

YOUNG CANARY:
I'd like a copy of the Daily Mirror.

AMANDA:
What?

YOUNG CANARY:
No, I'm winding you up. I want a job, obviously. (SNEERING) Thought this would be the ideal place, what with it being, y'know, A JOBCENTRE.

AMANDA:
(DEEP BREATH) Name?

YOUNG CANARY:
Joey.

AMANDA:
Of course. What sort of work are you looking for?

YOUNG CANARY:
Oh, anything, really. Something with a bit of glamour. Secret agent, that'd be good.

AMANDA:
Not scared of a little danger, then? Handy...

YOUNG CANARY:
What have you got?

AMANDA:
I... have... got... a mining technician role that's right up your street.

YOUNG CANARY:
Technician. That sounds a bit... technical.

AMANDA:
Oh, it's all on the job training.

YOUNG CANARY:
What do I have to do?

AMANDA:
Well, you go down with the miners and you monitor the levels of gas in the air. It gets too much, you let them know and they pull out.

YOUNG CANARY:
Hmmm.

AMANDA:
It's a very responsible job.

YOUNG CANARY:
Go on. It sounds a laugh.

AMANDA:
Great. I'll just get the forms.

YOUNG CANARY:
So I get some special equipment, do I?

AMANDA:
What?

YOUNG CANARY:
To check the gas levels.

AMANDA:
Well, you'll know if the levels get too high.

YOUNG CANARY:
Yeah, but do I get an actual monitor?

AMANDA:
Just sign there... and there. You'll get all the usual equipment. And the cages are lovely. Just like that one Tweety-Pie's got on the cartoons.

YOUNG CANARY:
Fantastic, my own place. I'll be able to bring a bird back.

AMANDA:
Right, well, good luck. I hope you'll have a long career.

YOUNG CANARY:
Yeah, cheers. Bye

AMANDA:
(UNDER BREATH) But I wouldn't sign up for the pension scheme, if I were you. (BRIGHTLY) Bye!

END