Plastic Fantastic

I see that the makers of Barbie are now advertising their doll with the Aqua hit Barbie Girl.



I think that's a smashing idea, on a par with Her Majesty's Christmas message using God Save The Queen by the Sex Pistols. Obviously, some of the lyrics could be considered a bit fruity for the target market, but I think Barbie should get a bit of edge. Seven-year-old girls have had it their own way for far too long, it's about time ironic drag queens got a piece of the action.

I find it difficult to imagine how Mattel bosses allowed this brave departure. Difficult, but not impossible...

INT. MATTEL BOARDROOM - DAY

THE BOARD OF MATTEL IS IN SESSION.

CHAIRMAN:
Gee, fellas, I'm really worried about Barbie. We saw off that Sindy doll, but Bratz are proving trickier than a Paul Daniels, Derren Brown and David Blaine "Who's the trickiest?" trick-off. Ideas?

MINION #1:
We need to show we're cutting edge. How about using a song from 1997 in our advertisements?

CHAIRMAN:
That's just the sort of forward thinking we're looking for. Anybody got a song suggestion?

MINION #2:
Well, sir, if I'm not mistaken, the pop group Aqua had a hit in that very year called Barbie Girl. And I believe it was actually inspired by our product.

CHAIRMAN:
That is amazing. The best news you could have brought me. Goshdarnit, let's use it. We can probably sue them anyway for breach of copyright if they don't play ball. We are, after all, Mattel.

MINIONS #1 and #2:
We'll get to it right away, sir.

MINION #3:
Can I just throw a pea into the pot of baked beans at this juncture?

CHAIRMAN:
This had better be good.

MINION #3:
It's just, well, I'm not sure the song is appropriate. As I recall it is a bit fruity for the target market.

CHAIRMAN:
You'd better explain, Minion #3.

MINION #3:
I shall quote from memory...
"You can brush my hair, undress me everywhere."

CHAIRMAN:
That's completely accurate. Those are things one can do with Barbie. You're wasting my time.

MINION #3:
There's more...
"Make me walk, make me talk, do whatever you please
I can act like a star, I can beg on my knees
Come jump in, be my friend, let us do it again
Hit the town, fool around, let's go party."

MINION #2:
If anything, that just emphasises the flexibility of Barbie as a plaything. She can play many different roles. Star, for example, or friend.

MINION #3:
Right, fine, let me take out the big gun, then ...
"I'm a blonde single girl in the fantasy world
Dress me up, take your time, I'm your dollie
You're my doll, rock and roll, feel the glamour and pain
Kiss me here, touch me there, hanky-panky
You can touch, you can play."

CHAIRMAN:
There's nothing wrong with that. You clearly have some sort of dirty mind, looking for double entendres that simply are not there. You're fired. Get out!

MINION #3 LEAVES.

CHAIRMAN:
"Let me take out the big gun..." Did he mean his knob?

ENDS

I bet that's exactly how it happened.