Nature, Red In Tooth And Claw

EXT. GARDEN - DAY

MAGGOT
All right?

CATERPILLAR
Yes, thank you.

MAGGOT
Haven't seen you before. Blimey, you're a big fella, aren't you? Sorry, I bet you've heard that a thousand times.

CATERPILLAR
Not really.

MAGGOT
I'm not going to be able to finish this on my own. Can I tempt you with a bit of decomposing pigeon?

CATERPILLAR
No thanks.

MAGGOT
Sure? It's past its Best After Date...

CATERPILLAR
No. You're very kind, but I'm vegetarian.

MAGGOT
What?!? You're pulling my ... erm.

CATERPILLAR
Honestly, old chap. Give me a nice leaf and I'm happy.

MAGGOT
Now, you don't get to be a big lad like you on salad.

CATERPILLAR
Really, I...

MAGGOT
(SNORTING)
Vegetarian! My mate Dave tried that. First sniff of dead dog and he was off the wagon faster than Kerry Katona out of rehab.

CATERPILLAR
I'm a caterpillar, sir.

MAGGOT
Ahhhh... Religious thing, is it?

CATERPILLAR
Have you ever seen a caterpillar before?

MAGGOT
No.

CATERPILLAR
We become butterflies, welcome adornments to anybody's garden, whereupon we sip nectar from the finest flowers. We do NOT EAT CARRION!

MAGGOT
Heh, I know your sort. Hoity-toity-dog-shit's-not-good-enough-for-me snobs. I see you lot all the time in my game.

CATERPILLAR
And what game is that?

MAGGOT
Showbiz.

CATERPILLAR
Really, I hardly think...

MAGGOT
Third Maggot in Corpse's Mouth. So you bugger off and look pretty, mate... I've got a scene with Trevor Eve.

ENDS.