Girls Who Love Pies And The Gays Who Love Them

I wonder, are you familiar with the work of Gok Wan, the style expert who convinces ladies of advanced girth and/or years to rejoice in their voluptuous curves and frolic in the nip on the Channel Four series How To Look Good Naked?

You are? Well then, are you also familiar with the work of the pop singer Mika, who opined in favour of Big Girls?

These are just the latest moves in a vast homosexual conspiracy initiated by the late Farouk Bulsara, better known as Freddie Mercury, whose pop group Queen sang Fat Bottomed Girls (Make The World Go Round).*

This conspiracy is designed to turn all men into habitual other-bus passengers by taking out the competition, i.e. ladies, by either making them excessively porky, and therefore unattractive, or morbidly obese, and therefore dead.

Paranoid, you call me? Well, then, first let us examine the evidence.

First, the forms which ladies take is none of these gentlemen's business. As they say down at my local Royal British Legion, if you don't pay the subs, you can't complain about the rules. Yet they press their unhelpful advice on the fairer sex regardless.

Second, have you seen the gentlemen whose work I have cited? Snake-hipped svelte chaps every last man-Jack of them.

I think I've made my point. Now, the question is, how can we hit back?

First, we must ensure that women's and fashion magazines should only use slim, airbrushed models rather than so-called "real women." Make the fillies raise their game.

Second, we should release singles of our own to combat Bulsara and his Mini-Me impersonator Mika. I am looking for volunteers to record the following, which are bound to trouble the charts.

1) In The Navy (You Kill People With Big Guns. It's No Picnic)
2) Ugh, Moustaches Are Horrible
3) Testicles (Don't Wanna See Them Dangly Bits)

That should do it.

I am not a homophobe. I like Doctor Who.

* Not forgetting The Communards' hit Have Another Cake, Love (You Look Gorgeous), or the Kenneth Williams novelty record, which reached number three in 1967, Eat Eat Eat Bitch.