tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9555080350386386752012-02-16T10:49:48.741+01:00Red Planet Finalist - Occasionally Read By One Of The Blokes Who Wrote The Episode Of The Thick Of It In Which Malcolm Tucker Was SackedGary Bainbridgehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03905277818833117885noreply@blogger.comBlogger1521100tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-955508035038638675.post-54233731808209741472010-01-03T20:23:00.000+01:002010-01-03T20:23:55.821+01:00

I've moved this blog to Wordpress, basically to wind you all up. It's at http://grahambandage.wordpress.com You can still access all the old stuff here. But if you want any new stuff, you might want to have a fiddle with your bookmarks and that. I'm keeping Unhelpful Reviews on Blogger, though. OK, bored now. See you over at Wordpress.

Gary Bainbridgehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03905277818833117885noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-955508035038638675.post-48144905568785551152009-12-24T11:11:00.002+01:002009-12-24T11:13:13.313+01:00

Graham Bandagenoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-955508035038638675.post-42607470204094607612009-12-22T15:28:00.004+01:002009-12-22T15:44:54.034+01:00

Today's example comes from Franklins Deli in Liverpool. It is a new venture which has a lot of red splashed here and there, so it is difficult to know whether the red candles are part of the everyday decor. To be honest, it's the sort of place which could have massive red candles all over the place. The teeny tiny ickle red tree hiding in the middle of the picture is definitely a

Graham Bandagenoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-955508035038638675.post-68650217163109880522009-12-15T16:57:00.004+01:002009-12-15T17:03:51.653+01:00

Graham Bandagenoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-955508035038638675.post-86185888386694840492009-12-15T14:40:00.003+01:002009-12-15T14:57:05.938+01:00

Over the next couple of weeks I hope to highlight some of the slightly disappointing Christmas decorations I have encountered.Today's example comes from the newsroom of the Liverpool Daily Post and Echo.If you have any examples of your own, please contact me at my Twitter address @GrahamBandage, and I'll put it up here. The most disappointing will win a prize. An actual prize.Many thanks.

Graham Bandagenoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-955508035038638675.post-89124580784288169212009-12-11T15:14:00.002+01:002009-12-11T15:20:01.336+01:00

In the latest of our series of interviews, Graham Bandage talks to Andrew Andrews, a man who went from being a humble market trader to one of the richest men in Britain.Graham Bandage: Andrew Andrews, you've got a shedload of money.Andrew Andrews: I should say so. Although I must say, I don't keep my money IN a shed. Banks are safer and more convenient.GB: It's a shame, in a way. Imagine having a

Graham Bandagenoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-955508035038638675.post-24158820917336699122009-12-07T11:19:00.004+01:002009-12-07T11:22:26.693+01:00

No, it's no good. I can't keep up the frothing certainty and hatred.I'll have to try something else to get my blog stats up. I might try niche pornography. Possibly passive-aggressive porn where a lady disports in the nip, but with a disapproving expression.That will definitely work.

Graham Bandagenoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-955508035038638675.post-45384331042935937502009-12-07T11:11:00.003+01:002009-12-07T11:16:02.215+01:00

These days I'm shining the light of truth on the Godless/liberal/Marxist/Jewish conspiracy. It's a right old struggle, let me tell you. Anyway, if there isn't a big Jewish conspiracy to run the world, why are so many Jews hidden in public life? Answer me that, huh, huh?Oh, you don't think there are any hidden Jews in public life? Then let me start at the top.Number 1: The PopeHe's definitely

Graham Bandagenoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-955508035038638675.post-9074478911787942142009-12-07T10:19:00.000+01:002009-12-07T10:20:06.326+01:00

I haven't had as many people reading this blog over the past few weeks. I reckon it's because I'm a woolly liberal obsessed by unlikely soup and people saying inappropriate things in cartoon form.No longer.Today, my dear readers, I shall join the ranks of the right-wing conspiracy theory bloggers. That should put my readership right up. More later.

Graham Bandagenoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-955508035038638675.post-68037280033889841882009-12-04T17:57:00.003+01:002009-12-04T18:05:01.897+01:00

People often ask me, "Bandage, why don't you ever do a Q&A session on the perfect Christmas dinner." Usually, I reply along the lines of "It's July, you mentalist." But this seems like the ideal opportunity. If you have any questions of your own, please don't hesitate to ask and I shall endeavour to respond...Q. I have 12 people coming on Christmas Day. What size turkey should I get?A. Quite a

Graham Bandagenoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-955508035038638675.post-8031579365445676352009-11-27T18:31:00.005+01:002009-11-27T18:41:42.976+01:00

In the latest of our series of Friday Interviews, Graham Bandage talks to Tommy Cannon (no relation) about his work as a celebrity abbreviation consultant.Graham Bandage: Tell me how this whole thing started.Tommy Cannon: It was back in the late 70s, during the national typeface strike. It cost us a fortune at the Daily Mirror to reproduce the Prime Minister's name in headlines because letters

Graham Bandagenoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-955508035038638675.post-72747541409120209952009-11-26T15:18:00.005+01:002009-11-26T15:22:16.888+01:00

Look at these nice girls. They're having a cracking time, aren't they?But are they? I don't think so. I think that it's just occurred to them that they've forgotten something very important.I have noticed in recent times that ladies out on the town rarely remember their coats. This baffles me, as I never forget mine, especially when it's chilly.I wonder perhaps if there's some sort of chemical in

Graham Bandagenoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-955508035038638675.post-22290083488770396132009-11-20T16:46:00.003+01:002009-11-20T16:52:21.204+01:00

And this one is an true story. I witnessed it. I was there.

Graham Bandagenoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-955508035038638675.post-65645818901826513082009-11-20T14:48:00.001+01:002009-11-20T14:49:37.213+01:00

I think I'd better cancel those hippo poison-laced suppositories I ordered.

Graham Bandagenoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-955508035038638675.post-89921060499341186082009-11-19T01:42:00.000+01:002009-11-19T01:42:23.916+01:00

(Warning: do not click on the YouTube thing if you've got a thing about not seeing people regurgitate rats.) Buying prescription drugs over the internet is a bad idea. You don't need me to tell you that. Let this chap below tell you that instead. I'm a bit baffled by that advert. The point it seems to want to make is that you shouldn't buy drugs over the internet because there might be rat

Gary Bainbridgehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03905277818833117885noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-955508035038638675.post-83639909688841298072009-11-17T16:59:00.002+01:002009-11-17T17:03:05.123+01:00

I was saddened beyond words to hear about the bird-fanciers fair in North Wales which took place in a hall with a mild gas leak, leading to the tragic deaths of 38 budgies.I'm no expert in these matters, but I reckon not having a gas leak is the first thing that bird-fanciers would expect. It probably beats the availablilty of biscuits and adequate car parking.I particularly feel sorry for the

Graham Bandagenoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-955508035038638675.post-9417811847717960032009-11-17T00:55:00.004+01:002009-11-17T01:01:53.666+01:00

I have started a new blog. It's not going to replace this blog. Think of it as like when you have another child. You don't love the old child any less, do you? Not unless you're one of those dysfunctional children's authors or your first child wasn't quite up to snuff.Anyway, it's here.When one has more than one blog, that turns oneself into a media group. I'd better go and put a call in to

Graham Bandagenoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-955508035038638675.post-84650953861157317582009-11-12T15:40:00.001+01:002009-11-12T15:43:27.835+01:00

Right, I've been to one of the coffee shops and I think I've been too naive. Anyway, I've had a rethink.INT. "MOO" - DAYTERRY IS IN THE QUEUE AT THE BOVRIL SHIP - NAMED "MOO" - AND IT'S HIS TURN TO BE SERVED.BARISTA:And how can I help you, sir?TERRY:Bovril, please.BARISTA:Calf, Cow or Bull?TERRY:Eh?BARISTA:Small, medium or large?TERRY:Oh, er, cow.BARISTA TAKES OUT GIGANTIC CARDBOARD CUP AND GOES

Graham Bandagenoreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-955508035038638675.post-64149356476797132512009-11-12T15:17:00.002+01:002009-11-12T16:07:23.163+01:00

I don't know if you've noticed that there are a lot of coffee shops about these days. Well there are. A lot.My good friend Inappropriate Richard reckons a Bovril shop would be a money-spinner, but I wasn't too sure. Anyway, I had a think about it, and I imagine he's right. And here I am, imagining it.INT. BOVRIL SHOP - DAYTERRY IS IN THE BOVRIL SHOP QUEUE AND IT'S HIS TURN TO BE SERVED.BARISTA:

Graham Bandagenoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-955508035038638675.post-89874791986000967052009-11-09T16:38:00.000+01:002009-11-09T16:38:03.218+01:00

I just went to the shop. I won't tell you what I went for, this isn't one of those confessional blogs, but the item I bought cost me £1.09. I tell you what, I'll let you in on which shop it was. It was the Sainsbury's Local over the road. My road, not yours. Unless you work with me. I'm going down a cul-de-sac. Not the road. The road isn't a cul-de-sac. I'm drowning. Help. So, anyway, I handed

Gary Bainbridgehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03905277818833117885noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-955508035038638675.post-22095113837399755732009-11-09T13:24:00.001+01:002009-11-09T13:24:37.125+01:00

Gary Bainbridgehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03905277818833117885noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-955508035038638675.post-10699182865651786832009-11-05T16:48:00.003+01:002009-11-05T16:53:10.160+01:00

Graham Bandagenoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-955508035038638675.post-35197851244848234452009-11-05T13:53:00.003+01:002009-11-05T13:55:24.517+01:00

Graham Bandagenoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-955508035038638675.post-72072340158907800332009-11-03T15:39:00.002+01:002009-11-03T15:42:16.896+01:00

Graham Bandagenoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-955508035038638675.post-91609773101638291432009-11-03T14:58:00.001+01:002009-11-03T15:01:12.326+01:00

Graham Bandagenoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-955508035038638675.post-56791500726789305442009-11-03T13:30:00.003+01:002009-11-03T13:34:04.186+01:00

Graham Bandagenoreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-955508035038638675.post-4256502136541950512009-10-23T17:44:00.005+02:002009-10-23T18:00:13.464+02:00

In the latest of an occasional series of interviews, Graham Bandage talks to Declan Blunt, one of only two socialist magicians.Graham Bandage: Declan Blunt, you're one of only two socialist magicians, aren't you?Declan Blunt: That's right, it's a small niche, but there's room for the other chap. That's what socialism's about, sharing. And magic, of course.GB: What makes a socialist take up magic?

Graham Bandagenoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-955508035038638675.post-78747344430611345662009-10-10T19:10:00.000+02:002009-10-10T19:10:39.947+02:00

It's not easy being grey.

Gary Bainbridgehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03905277818833117885noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-955508035038638675.post-52156881223521670042009-10-07T12:43:00.005+02:002009-10-07T12:47:43.852+02:00

Brrr. Chilly.Imagine being an employee of the T-Mobile shop on Lord Street in Liverpool and seeing that sign as you arrive for work.There are only two interpretations one can put on that sign, as far as I can see.The first is that the manager of the store has hellish precognitive powers. Not like Derren Brown, who is a fake and a charlatan, but like that bloke out of The Dead Zone... only real.

Graham Bandagenoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-955508035038638675.post-79647528209356497592009-10-05T12:42:00.000+02:002009-10-05T12:42:37.802+02:00

Oh, bugger! I'm wearing the wrong socks.

Gary Bainbridgehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03905277818833117885noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-955508035038638675.post-822299486528358862009-10-05T12:39:00.001+02:002009-10-05T13:04:39.533+02:00

In the latest of an occasional series of interviews, Graham Bandage talks to abuse survivor Trevor Coyote. GRAHAM BANDAGE: What is it like living with an obsessed and frequently thwarted parent? What if they take out their frustrations on you? What if they are violent? My guest today knows the answers all too well and has written a heartbreaking memoir about his childhood. Trevor Coyote, when

Gary Bainbridgehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03905277818833117885noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-955508035038638675.post-52648677818459860002009-09-30T12:58:00.005+02:002009-09-30T13:05:39.607+02:00

I took a bit too long retrieving socks from my sock drawer this morning. This is because I am on the "socks with the name of the day printed on them" treadmill.The "socks with the name of the day printed on them" treadmill is a cruel mistress, for when one steps upon it on a Monday, one cannot step off it until the Saturday. One cannot, for example, wear the socks on Monday and Tuesday, and go

Graham Bandagenoreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-955508035038638675.post-73046359120873421002009-09-23T12:04:00.003+02:002009-09-23T12:12:40.955+02:00

I was tickled pink to discover that Liverpool is to have its own gay village, Dorothy being a friend of friends of mine.But then I was disappointed that it will not be a permanent fixture, with, for example, a gay village shop and a gay village idiot.It will only appear at night, the catalyst being when Stanley Street becomes closed off to cars. Pedestrianisation is, apparently, the single

Graham Bandagenoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-955508035038638675.post-3188978978237666182009-09-18T22:13:00.004+02:002009-09-18T22:28:17.092+02:00

I see that the makers of Barbie are now advertising their doll with the Aqua hit Barbie Girl.I think that's a smashing idea, on a par with Her Majesty's Christmas message using God Save The Queen by the Sex Pistols. Obviously, some of the lyrics could be considered a bit fruity for the target market, but I think Barbie should get a bit of edge. Seven-year-old girls have had it their own way for

Graham Bandagenoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-955508035038638675.post-39375077423444662342009-09-17T15:34:00.003+02:002009-09-17T15:50:16.264+02:00

INT. DOCTOR'S OFFICE - DAY DOCTOR MACKENZIE IS SITTING AT HIS DESK. ANGELA PUGH - 50s, PRIM - ENTERS. DOCTOR: Mrs Pugh, what can I do for you? ANGELA: Erm, you're a general practitioner. Ideally, you would diagnose my illness and then either refer me on to a specialist or prescribe a remedy which I should then obtain from a pharmacist. DOCTOR: Ah, yes. I'd completely forgotten your tendency

Gary Bainbridgehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03905277818833117885noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-955508035038638675.post-58341882909676196462009-09-10T10:58:00.001+02:002009-09-10T11:02:03.727+02:00

EXT. GARDEN - DAYMAGGOTAll right?CATERPILLARYes, thank you.MAGGOTHaven't seen you before. Blimey, you're a big fella, aren't you? Sorry, I bet you've heard that a thousand times.CATERPILLARNot really.MAGGOTI'm not going to be able to finish this on my own. Can I tempt you with a bit of decomposing pigeon?CATERPILLARNo thanks.MAGGOTSure? It's past its Best After Date...CATERPILLARNo. You're very

Graham Bandagenoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-955508035038638675.post-37256579173261869462009-09-04T13:37:00.005+02:002009-09-04T13:44:00.152+02:00

So, now even Tesco has joined Vimto's conspiracy to destroy ginger beer.Are there no depths to which this evil monolith will stoop?

Graham Bandagenoreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-955508035038638675.post-43138095343220840612009-09-03T13:16:00.003+02:002009-09-03T13:23:43.166+02:00

INT. STUDY - DAYA BOOK-LINED STUDY, CIRCA 1900. LEATHER ARMCHAIRS. CRACKLING FIRE.FATHER AND JEREMY ARE SITTING TOGETHER.FATHER:Now, my boy, soon you shall be 21 and attain man's estate.JEREMY:(DEEP VOICE) Yes, Father.FATHER:But before you become a man, there are certain ... things you must know about.JEREMY:Things, Father? What sort of things?FATHER:You must know how you came to be. Gertrude?

Graham Bandagenoreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-955508035038638675.post-50091650369324176742009-08-31T15:55:00.003+02:002009-08-31T16:04:12.619+02:00

Long-winded TV comic Stewart Lee has made the Daily Mail cross by joking about hobbit-esque insurance risk Richard Hammond. Specifically he said he wished Hammond had been decapitated when he had that accident.Now I bear little malice toward the man off Top Gear. I certainly wouldn't want to see him dead, whether through decapitation, poisoning, a nasty javelin accident or even natural causes. He

Graham Bandagenoreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-955508035038638675.post-66938709444274455822009-08-26T23:28:00.002+02:002009-08-26T23:32:03.058+02:00

No, I'm sorry. I can't get over the crisp business.When I was a child, life was simple for the crisp-muncher. Red for ready salted, blue for salt and vinegar, green for cheese and onion, browny-red for smokey bacon, pink for prawn cocktail. Didn't matter which company made your crisps - you knew exactly what you were getting.I imagine that there had been a big meeting where Mr Smith of Smith's

Gary Bainbridgehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03905277818833117885noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-955508035038638675.post-69707034274114955002009-08-26T17:08:00.006+02:002009-08-26T23:22:07.690+02:00

The man who picked up a blue packet of crisps thinkingthey were cheese and onion, only to discover upon opening the packetthat they were in fact salt and vinegar.

Gary Bainbridgehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03905277818833117885noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-955508035038638675.post-22282769635169752402009-08-15T02:26:00.005+02:002009-08-15T02:32:55.887+02:00

Literally as many as some people have enjoyed and been mentally stimulated by my series of Friday Interviews.But I have long been concerned that it has not been easily accessible for those unable to read, for whatever reason, perhaps pressures of time, or lack of intelligence. That ends today.Now there is no excuse for the busy, or the stupid, not to be absorbed by the Friday Interview. You can

Gary Bainbridgehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03905277818833117885noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-955508035038638675.post-73435231202944264042009-08-10T12:18:00.003+02:002009-08-10T12:24:54.512+02:00

A fragment of a transcript of an early Hells Angels meeting has recently fallen into my hands. I think it's a fantastic historical document which sheds new light on this most infamous of gangs, and I hope you won't mind if I eschew the usual ramblings on unlikely soup and cardboard tubes on this occasion - GB.SCORPION:All present? Apologies?ZOMBIE:Nigel - sorry, Thunderskull - can't come as he's

Graham Bandagenoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-955508035038638675.post-9525207158209847852009-08-07T12:48:00.004+02:002009-08-07T12:53:04.540+02:00

In the latest of our series of interviews, Graham Bandage talks to Todd Cleethorpes, the third man on the moon.Graham Bandage: Todd Cleethorpes, thank you for this telephone interview. Now, you were the third man on the moon.Todd Cleethorpes: Tell me something I don't know, asshole.GB: What? Erm, Alan Arkin wrote The Banana Boat Song.TC: What?GB: You asked me for a little-known fact.TC: You're

Graham Bandagenoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-955508035038638675.post-22879646419338272622009-08-06T17:22:00.006+02:002009-08-07T12:53:39.606+02:00

The ancient Chinese philosopher Confucius is famous for his wise sayings and that. But not everything he said could have been that profound. I reckon 24/7 wisdom would be a massive drain on mental resources. In the end, you'd have to watch an episode of Hotel Babylon just to recharge the old batteries.- "Would you like a nice cup of tea, Confucius, love?"- "Tea is like the... The dried leaves are

Graham Bandagenoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-955508035038638675.post-35994689522417820202009-08-01T17:17:00.004+02:002009-08-01T17:22:15.948+02:00

In the latest of an occasional series, Graham Bandage talks to James Burrage, saviour of Britain's flower shops. Graham Bandage: James Burrage, you are the saviour of Britain’s flower shops. James Burrage: I’m delighted to confirm that you are indeed correct, you beautiful little man. GB: Nevertheless, I am a bit baffled. I mean, flowers are lovely and people traditionally like them. And

Gary Bainbridgehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03905277818833117885noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-955508035038638675.post-57424279456866695032009-07-29T16:06:00.005+02:002009-07-29T16:12:43.672+02:00

I am not in the first flush of youth. I'm not even in the second flush of youth. I'm probably in the third flush of youth, the one where you need a wire coathanger to shift the persistent bugger.So I was delighted to see Wirral council putting the blocks on Parkour, that new sport where a big load of teenagers do really impressive stunts by leaping off walls and bollards instead of beating each

Gary Bainbridgehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03905277818833117885noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-955508035038638675.post-69250920377427694392009-07-27T20:26:00.006+02:002009-07-27T22:23:08.072+02:00

I was served in a shop by a young man called Rodney. This is not a complaint. He didn't poke me in the eye or anything.But I came to wonder how it was that this young man came to be known as Rodney. He was around 19 to 20 years old, which places his birth firmly in the period when Only Fools And Horses was the biggest show on British television. One would have expected the name Rodney, associated

Gary Bainbridgehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03905277818833117885noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-955508035038638675.post-7887793370330621022009-07-22T15:54:00.007+02:002009-07-22T16:05:25.447+02:00

I should flipping well think so. I'd be bloody livid if I opened my bag of Tesco Peanuts, Raisins and Chocolate-Covered Raisins, only to discover that I had, in fact, bought a bag of Tesco Raisins and Chocolate-Covered Raisins.

Graham Bandagenoreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-955508035038638675.post-31588211719304850602009-07-20T15:47:00.002+02:002009-07-20T15:55:01.345+02:00

My Facebook Fatigue idea was such a massive success, I've decided to branch out a bit.But let me first tell you about the Online Untouchables. The poor souls who would love to form meaningful relationships in this connected world. But they keep getting the knockback from spam filters because they have peculiar names.One of these people told me about his plight. "Bill" (not his real name, his real

Graham Bandagenoreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-955508035038638675.post-56249553820083887802009-07-17T13:09:00.003+02:002009-07-17T22:21:48.179+02:00

In the second of an occasional series of interviews, Graham Bandage talks to Roger Dulwich, the last tube man in Great Britain.Graham Bandage: Roger Dulwich, you're the last tube man in Great Britain. Why do you stick at it?Roger Dulwich: It's the only life I've ever known. And, you know, it's a craft, my father was a tube man, so was his father. And if it dies with me, then so be it.GB: Tell me

Graham Bandagenoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-955508035038638675.post-89074735133155861812009-07-16T11:07:00.007+02:002009-07-17T22:23:07.188+02:00

Regular readers of my Twitter, of whom there are very nearly one hundred, i.e. 99, will already have seen the above picture, which I posted yesterday. But my confusion continues to grow. I hope that by articulating my confusion I will be able to put the matter to rest and can resume thinking about gnats, ginger beer and unlikely soup. I'll state it, in bald terms, and then let's see where we go.

Graham Bandagenoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-955508035038638675.post-9417271304675130302009-07-14T08:54:00.002+02:002009-07-14T08:58:58.954+02:00

Oh, no. It's spreading. Thanks a bundle, Miss Jessica Alba.

Graham Bandagenoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-955508035038638675.post-816059985258436252009-07-08T14:48:00.007+02:002009-09-04T13:44:33.417+02:00

Take THAT, Vimto! I mean, how dare you? How bloody dare you?

Graham Bandagenoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-955508035038638675.post-41998517788924383832009-07-07T18:49:00.002+02:002009-07-07T18:52:08.920+02:00

I just went to Tesco to buy myself a pop. And I was tempted by a Jamaican ginger beer. I do like a ginger beer. In fact there's nothing I like better than swallowing a nice spicy ginger beer.I know what you're thinking. You're thinking, "Mfl. Snort. He said 'ginger beer.' For one like myself, with a rudimentary knowledge of Cockney rhyming slang, that's an amusing unintentional double entendre."

Graham Bandagenoreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-955508035038638675.post-34625959669062896862009-07-03T10:48:00.003+02:002009-07-03T10:52:24.888+02:00

In the first of an occasional series, Graham Bandage talks to Justin Turnbull, the man who writes the narrator's scripts for Channel 4's reality lifestyle shows.Graham Bandage: How do you approach writing a script for, say, The Home Show, or Supernanny?Justin Turnbull: Well, Graham, later I'll be telling you how I use a script-writing program ... how I drink a cup of coffee ... and where I

Graham Bandagenoreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-955508035038638675.post-31066090254710330152009-06-30T17:44:00.004+02:002009-06-30T17:55:19.925+02:00

I'm delighted by the Love Food Hate Waste campaign which is being foisted on various people around the country.Now, I'm as environmentally-friendly as the next man, assuming the next man isn't made out of uranium, petrol-fumes and lead, but I was amused by the smashing recipe for Use Up Soup, "a nutritious, cheap and filling soup that takes only minutes to make and serve."Here it is...570ml

Graham Bandagenoreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-955508035038638675.post-36235464197828310312009-06-29T14:13:00.001+02:002009-06-29T14:15:05.713+02:00

I've been watching the Wimbledon on the television. It's all very good and everything, but I'm a bit distracted by the ladies' knickers.And not for any saucy reason. Frankly, I'd be disappointed if you thought that. It's more to do with the balls.I reckon it must be very difficult for the lady serving if the other player returns the ball, because then she has to leg it across the court with a big

Graham Bandagenoreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-955508035038638675.post-73362340987937711482009-06-26T16:12:00.002+02:002009-06-26T16:15:21.593+02:00

1) Crossing fingers when lyingNo defence in law. It turns out.2) Dog whistlesThey just lick them. They'd rather bark anyway, I suspect.3) Anti-ageing creamYou might as well have anti-gravity cream.4) The internetMichael Jackson dies and Twitter follows suit.5) Anything other than fools or horses.

Graham Bandagenoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-955508035038638675.post-54118241531398307082009-06-22T11:47:00.003+02:002009-06-22T13:19:55.478+02:00

I wonder what simile gnats use when referring to something of notable tightness.EXT. GNATS' CAR PARK - DAYTWO GNATS ARE SITTING IN A CAR, TALKING.MARTIN (gnat, early 30s):Goodness, Terence, that parking space is a tight as, erm, my chuff.TERENCE (gnat, late 30s):I really wouldn't know, Martin.MARTIN:OK, Terence, it's as tight as your chuff.TERENCE:Martin...MARTIN:Argh! All right, Terence, fair

Graham Bandagenoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-955508035038638675.post-86053548455310691152009-06-19T00:30:00.003+02:002009-06-19T00:43:06.328+02:00

I've been doing a bit of wallpapering in the bedroom. It's not the most fun I've ever had. But it has confirmed the decision I took some time ago not to become a professional painter and decorator.That said, I've come up with some smashing ideas which might make the whole sordid business a bit easier.1. Perforated rolls of wallpaper. It's tremendously hard to cut wallpaper in a straight line,

Graham Bandagenoreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-955508035038638675.post-58903632871347434892009-06-10T10:58:00.007+02:002009-06-26T16:30:50.872+02:00

I've been guilty of a bit of hyperbole. Last year, when this blog was in its salad days, I drew a lovely little cartoon. This one, in fact.I must admit, it made me chuckle at the time. I might even have hooted. But after I'd patiently filled in all the colours and that I became a bit bored with it.Then I realised, "No, Bandage! There's an unspecified number of people out there who might chuckle

Graham Bandagenoreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-955508035038638675.post-69646619037851606442009-06-09T10:12:00.003+02:002009-06-09T10:40:16.968+02:00

THE devil has been elected to the European Parliament.B. Elzebub, 7,685, was returned as one of the North West's representatives in last Thursday's poll, after a collapse in the Labour vote.Mr Elzebub, of the BNP (Burn Negroes Party), has reinvented himself in recent years, losing the cloven-hoofed look and toning down his ruddy complexion. And he has repositioned the party, too, in an attempt to

Gary Bainbridgehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03905277818833117885noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-955508035038638675.post-61233699925071769172009-06-05T16:50:00.003+02:002009-06-05T16:55:51.364+02:00

I'm delighted to see young Louise Isles break through the glass ceiling and become Britain's first deaf model. I did not know that deaf people had a hard time doing modelling, but apparently that is the case.I could understand it if they had no ears, limiting their ability to model spectacles and earrings. Otherwise I'm not entirely sure how impaired-hearing would be a difficulty.The only thing I

Graham Bandagenoreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-955508035038638675.post-22079273870456546872009-06-04T23:06:00.004+02:002009-06-04T23:13:59.052+02:00

I drove through Liverpool's Chinatown today and saw a number of Chinese tourists there. I wonder how much at home they felt. "Goodness me," did they think (in Mandarin or Cantonese)? "This is just like home. Specifically that really weird road back home where every shop is a restaurant."Liverpool's Chinatown is the oldest in Europe and there are tons of them around the world. Apparently if the

Gary Bainbridgehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03905277818833117885noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-955508035038638675.post-26195656813621066902009-06-01T11:59:00.002+02:002009-06-01T12:02:47.201+02:00

Dear Aunty Graham,I'm a hairy-eyebrowed frizzy-headed virgin from Blackburn (the Scottish one, not the one in Lancashire). The local boys throw eggs at my house and call me mean names like "Hairy-eyebrowed frizzy-headed virgin" and "Poo-face." How can I stop myself being a figure of fun?Yours,SBDear SB,Hmm, tricky. You do actually sound a bit of a fright, to be honest. I imagine you're probably

Gary Bainbridgehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03905277818833117885noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-955508035038638675.post-38607877497406517852009-05-28T08:26:00.002+02:002009-05-28T09:22:07.602+02:00

Crisps that taste like the flavour on the packet:Ready SaltedSalt and VinegarSalt and Black PepperWorcestershire SaucePickled OnionCrisps that taste about as far away from the flavour on the packet as it's possible to go without involving NASA:Smokey BaconRoast ChickenBeef 'n' OnionCheese 'n' OnionAll the others.Oh, vaulting ambition! Why must you tempt Walkers et al so?If I were Walkers et al,

Gary Bainbridgehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03905277818833117885noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-955508035038638675.post-8720860209145730262009-05-27T10:37:00.003+02:002009-05-27T10:44:30.194+02:00

I saw some people on the telly this morning having the acupuncture done. I reckon that's a big bag of wrong.If it's not working, do acupuncturists use bigger and bigger needles, eventually moving up to daggers? There must be a point at which the benefits are outweighed by the harm done.Now, I know some people who have had acupuncture and they say they feel a lot better after having it. But then I

Gary Bainbridgehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03905277818833117885noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-955508035038638675.post-25015128393848639652009-05-25T19:28:00.001+02:002009-05-25T19:28:45.245+02:00

Well, the people have spoken. I asked for your opinion on the Lovely or Top-Notch question. And by a massive majority (77% to 22%) you have decided that this is a Lovely World.I don't know what the missing 1% decided. Perhaps they had a different superlative in mind. Maybe it wasn't a superlative at all. Maybe it was the opposite of a superlative. In which case, how dare they? How bloody dare

Gary Bainbridgehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03905277818833117885noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-955508035038638675.post-17830567554284270812009-05-22T23:41:00.004+02:002009-05-22T23:52:48.829+02:00

I've come up with a cracking idea. I recently done a tweet on the Twitter suggesting that it would be good to market malted milk biscuits without the picture of the cow on it to vegetarians.Somebody pointed out that vegans would still be unable to have them, as they don't agree with milk. Milk is like kryptonite to vegans. Give milk to a vegan and he or she will say, "Ugh! No thanks. Put it back

Gary Bainbridgehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03905277818833117885noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-955508035038638675.post-67375831045877924452009-05-21T09:32:00.002+02:002009-05-21T09:35:37.529+02:00

Here are five statements about hundreds and thousands.1) Each hundred and thousand is individually filed down from a sweet block the size of a Hall's Mentholyptus.2) The Americans have individual elements 10 times the size of the British hundred and thousand. Our Stateside cousins call them 'tens and hundreds.'3) I don't like hundreds and thousands as I think they make food look a bit rubbish.4)

Gary Bainbridgehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03905277818833117885noreply@blogger.com5tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-955508035038638675.post-79559462008147789922009-05-18T17:22:00.004+02:002009-05-18T17:24:57.454+02:00

Should this be Graham Bandage's Lovely World, or Graham Bandage's Top-Notch World? You decide, simply by clicking on the poll to the left. Make sure you click on the right one, because you won't be able to do it twice to compensate. This isn't a BBC phone-in competition.I will be bound by your decision.

Gary Bainbridgehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03905277818833117885noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-955508035038638675.post-55989310030117020232009-05-18T11:08:00.002+02:002009-05-18T11:12:56.088+02:00

I am occasionally glad that I am not TV's Dr Alice "Call me Dr Alice Roberts" Roberts. If I were in her position, I would change my surname by deed poll to Doctor, ensuring that any enquiries to me would sound like the beginning of a joke.But, then, names are rum chaps, aren't they? Offer somebody a prune and they'll schnuffel their nose with faint 21st century disgust, as if you'd offered them a

Gary Bainbridgehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03905277818833117885noreply@blogger.com5tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-955508035038638675.post-4201763028242978692009-05-15T13:01:00.002+02:002009-05-15T13:05:39.897+02:00

I am excited by the idea of passive sniffer dogs, which I have read about in today's Liverpool Echo.These splendid creatures are employed by the police and rather than barking when they sniff out a bit of the old contraband they merely sit next to the dope fiends. Apparently they've been a tremendous success.That being the case, I wonder if the police would consider employing passive officers. I

Gary Bainbridgehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03905277818833117885noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-955508035038638675.post-69277943882815680172009-05-13T22:02:00.004+02:002009-05-13T22:11:10.870+02:00

Politicians. They've been causing a rumpus, haven't they, with their snouts in the trough? Frankly, the last place one would want to be in the current climate is the trough.It's given me to wonder what exactly we expect from our politicians. Up until the 1960s politicians were fairly happy to stay aloof from hoi polloi*. But the likes of Harold Wilson wanted us all to think they were just like

Gary Bainbridgehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03905277818833117885noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-955508035038638675.post-39777469811997316812009-05-11T21:32:00.009+02:002009-05-11T23:04:30.389+02:00

I was reading Metro again. I also read newspapers which you have to pay for, which is where, I feel, most people fall down.In any case, I was surprised to see this ad. Never mind being a caretaker on some Australian island for six months - this is the life. It's the best job in the world.Imagine that. Being paid £38k-45k just to sit and do puzzles. How ace is that? I reckon the £38k is for people

Gary Bainbridgehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03905277818833117885noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-955508035038638675.post-68765290919602229912009-05-09T00:13:00.006+02:002009-07-13T10:17:02.042+02:00

I popped to the supermarket today - part of my continuing attempts to 'keep it real.' My doctor suggests such activities are therapeutic, but I reckon he just wants somebody to do his shopping for him. He tells me I'm bi-polar, as if that's a problem. Frankly, I don't see why that should be the case. Can't I like the Arctic AND the Antarctic? I digress. While I was in Sainsbury's I saw bars of

Gary Bainbridgehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03905277818833117885noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-955508035038638675.post-45979656975679278062009-05-07T10:34:00.001+02:002009-05-07T10:36:57.486+02:00

I'm a bit concerned.From Monday, we're not being allowed to wear our own shoes in work after a number of people have tripped on the toes of their footwear.Apparently we have to take our shoes off in reception and wear big yellow slippers with very thin soles.And they're replacing the current carpets with a series of gripper rods. You know, the strips of balsa wood with sharp tacks which stick up.

Gary Bainbridgehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03905277818833117885noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-955508035038638675.post-40780602956957354182009-05-05T23:10:00.007+02:002009-05-05T23:48:45.310+02:00

Well done, Cadbury, for leaping into action so quickly.You see, I do like those new Cluster things. But I was really disturbed to find a number of them were - I won't beat about the bush - a bit scuffed. I, like so many of you, like my Clusters to be smooth. If I want rough, I'll eat a Flake.Like I didn't have enough to worry about. I'm already trying not to do sex while I'm walking.So I wrote to

Gary Bainbridgehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03905277818833117885noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-955508035038638675.post-82332102806545913242009-05-05T13:25:00.003+02:002009-05-05T13:27:13.452+02:00

Gary Bainbridgehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03905277818833117885noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-955508035038638675.post-13745481931455926972009-05-04T09:31:00.003+02:002009-05-04T09:38:11.534+02:00

I have been pondering the definite article following the elevation of Birmingham City to the FA Premier League, as, I am sure, have you.The Second City's second team plays in blue, just like Chelsea and Everton, and one could reasonably expect them to be known as the Blues. But one would be wrong. Dead wrong.Birmingham City are known, simply and perversely, as Blues. With NO definite article.This

Gary Bainbridgehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03905277818833117885noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-955508035038638675.post-2679735548537178882009-04-30T10:26:00.002+02:002009-04-30T10:32:50.571+02:00

They say if one gives an infinite number of monkeys an infinite number of typewriters, one of them will eventually come up with the complete works of Shakespeare.That all seems a bit of a rigmarole to me. The complete works of Shakespeare are readily available from the likes of Borders and Waterstones, after all.It appears to me that there is a number of issues which would have to be resolved.1)

Gary Bainbridgehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03905277818833117885noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-955508035038638675.post-7235991440815477602009-04-28T13:06:00.001+02:002009-04-28T13:09:33.799+02:00

Why are we blaming the poor pigs for this horrible new strain of flu which you might have heard about briefly on the news? How on earth do we know that pigs have it in the first place?MIGUEL:Eh, Jose, what's up with you?JOSE:You know, Miguel, I don't feel so good. I think I'm coming down with the flu.MIGUEL:The flu? What? Is it going around little Rosita's school?JOSE:No. I think I caught it from

Gary Bainbridgehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03905277818833117885noreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-955508035038638675.post-85377672054175043362009-04-26T09:19:00.001+02:002009-04-26T09:21:53.615+02:00

Twitter's funny, isn't it? Lots of people saying things. You can follow me, if you like (twitter.com/grahambandage).I follow a number of celebrities and people whose work I admire and, in some cases, love to the point of tears. But I don't expect them to follow me.And why should I? They have many thousands of followers. If I were to show up on their radar I would recommend that they have their

Gary Bainbridgehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03905277818833117885noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-955508035038638675.post-58879661659075516052009-04-25T02:08:00.001+02:002009-04-25T02:10:43.865+02:00

Regular readers of this blog, of which there are few, often ask me: "Graham, why haven't you been updating your blog? Is the world no longer lovely?"The truth is, I've been busy. Very busy. About as busy as Grant Bovey's bodyguard on Beat The Crap Out Of An Idiot For Charity Day (May 7, in case you're interested).But I told somebody important that I write an amusing blog, so I suppose I'd better

Gary Bainbridgehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03905277818833117885noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-955508035038638675.post-13641015016175688322009-04-22T11:37:00.007+02:002009-04-25T02:11:41.244+02:00

I saw this ad in the Metro.LOCAL woman wants to meet with like-minded men.I know what you're thinking. The first thing you're thinking is, "What sort of man is she looking for, because, on the surface, she isn't giving us many clues?"And the second thing you're thinking is, "How can I apply the rules of algebra to solve this question?"Well, let's take "like-minded men" to be the unknown, x, if

Gary Bainbridgehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03905277818833117885noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-955508035038638675.post-65263841542586999412009-01-21T08:23:00.007+01:002009-01-21T08:34:44.113+01:00

Today's Guardian front page:But wait! Who's got the prime front page byline, reporting from Washington DC on this historic occasion?Hats off to Alan Rusbridger, the editor of The Guardian, here exemplifying the mantra of the successful boss: "Never ask your staff to do something you wouldn't be prepared to do yourself."

Gary Bainbridgehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03905277818833117885noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-955508035038638675.post-64551239148423294722009-01-12T15:00:00.004+01:002009-01-13T11:52:47.350+01:00

Who invented the names of fruit? I have often wondered.I imagine there was a Fruit Naming Board. And here I am, imagining it...INT. FRUIT NAMING BOARD - DAYBOSS:Right, what have we got next?LACKEY:There's this one, Clive. This round, orange thing.BOSS:Skin's a bit tough.LACKEY:Yeah, you peel it off. And if you squeeze it, I reckon you could sell the juice in tiny bottles in pubs for a

Gary Bainbridgehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03905277818833117885noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-955508035038638675.post-22914605107985549922008-11-22T21:41:00.007+01:002008-11-22T21:51:46.664+01:00

I think I may have accidentally invented a perpetual motion machine.I was testing the veracity of various rules of Sod's Law, specifically the contentions that cats always land on their feet and that toast always lands buttered side down.Experiment to test Sod's First and Second Laws of Motion1 Take a slice of buttered toast.2 Take a cat (male or female).3 Strap the toast, buttered side up, to

Gary Bainbridgehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03905277818833117885noreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-955508035038638675.post-19541443570597922232008-11-19T08:44:00.003+01:002008-11-19T08:53:35.591+01:00

Who actually likes lettuce? Who sees lettuce on their plate and thinks, "Ooh, lettuce! ... I'm saving that till last?"Or "Ooh, I just fancy a bit of lettuce. I haven't had any lettuce for ages?"Or "I used to love the way my mum did lettuce ... on a plate, on its own. Cold?"Lettuce is just there to make you feel better when you go to McDonald's. That's all it's for. To make you think you're having

Gary Bainbridgehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03905277818833117885noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-955508035038638675.post-40634476228033225942008-11-14T17:07:00.004+01:002008-11-14T17:34:52.102+01:00

Do you know, Graham Bandage's Lovely World is so lovely that he seldom manages to post here these days. Personally, I think he's letting down the blogosphere.But today, he has been stung into action. And here he is, acting. And speaking of himself in the third person, unable to think of a good way to shift into the first person. He'll probably have to talk about himself for the entire

Gary Bainbridgehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03905277818833117885noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-955508035038638675.post-29970773117344211592008-09-29T08:24:00.003+02:002008-09-29T08:31:06.263+02:00

"How much is that doggy in the window?/The one with the waggily tail?"What sort of pet shop puts a dog in the window? The logistics of such an action chill me to the bone.I bet they put a cat next to it. And a mouse next to that. They probably think, "Ooh, it'll be just like a cartoon."No, it'll be a bloodbath. Irresponsible idiots. How dare they? I mean, how bloody dare they? They shouldn't be

Gary Bainbridgehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03905277818833117885noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-955508035038638675.post-73461418772248619762008-07-25T11:23:00.001+02:002008-07-25T11:24:57.094+02:00

Gordon Brown must feel a little bit like the lady in this clip from the film Airplane.

Gary Bainbridgehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03905277818833117885noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-955508035038638675.post-21029011301781910252008-07-23T11:31:00.004+02:002008-12-09T10:03:51.059+01:00

I've got one of those beards like Radovan Karadzic has got. A special magical beard of invisibility. I've been wearing it for the last couple of weeks while I've been in hiding and I have to say it's certainly done the trick. I've not been mithered by any of the people I've been hiding from.For proof they work, see this. You'll have to look very hard, but if you concentrate you can see a

Gary Bainbridgehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03905277818833117885noreply@blogger.com5tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-955508035038638675.post-54723389224665900902008-07-08T13:48:00.002+02:002008-07-08T13:51:55.713+02:00

So I go into my favourite sandwich shop, for what I now know is the last time. I walk up to the chiller cabinet and pick up a lovely chicken, bacon and sweetcorn sandwich. Then I walk over to the tills. So far, so good.Now the shop is quite empty, as it's 11.45 and most people are still at work. There are two women on the tills, with an empty till between them. One (on the right) is a gnarled old

Gary Bainbridgehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03905277818833117885noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-955508035038638675.post-66711222791309905752008-07-07T09:40:00.005+02:002008-12-09T10:03:51.252+01:00

I have discovered, thanks to today's frankly inclement weather, that, while there is not really a good time to find out one has a hole in one's shoe, some times are markedly worse than others.On the subject of shoes and that, I had occasion to visit a shoe shop last week. I saw a box of special socks to be used to protect ladies from other people's verrucas when they are trying on shoes. What an

Gary Bainbridgehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03905277818833117885noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-955508035038638675.post-79829408220215060332008-07-03T12:02:00.002+02:002008-07-03T12:06:17.846+02:00

I'm delighted to see that Henry Winkler, the Fonz from the 1970s sitcom Happy Days, has been talking to children in schools about dyslexia.That's a winner, I think you'll agree. Catchphrases like "Heyyyy" and "No way, Mr C" are all the rage on the playgrounds and schoolyards. Certainly that was my experience when I was a child.It would be tremendous if Paul Michael Glaser, or Starsky off Starsky

Gary Bainbridgehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03905277818833117885noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-955508035038638675.post-86525112579078951952008-07-02T11:46:00.004+02:002008-07-02T11:54:19.088+02:00

When I am not posting here, I am posting in the Critique section of the British Sitcom Forums. They're a bit sweary but mostly decent chaps.In any case, I was inspired to write this by a sketch written by regular poster dannyjb1. As it's a bit similar, I'll just post it here as a Lovely exclusive treat for my many fans.1. INT. Police station interview room. MRS POTTER sitting at table, with

Gary Bainbridgehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03905277818833117885noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-955508035038638675.post-22150027935705233582008-07-01T13:06:00.002+02:002008-07-01T13:09:04.218+02:00

I wonder what it was like before IT. I imagine things were very different. And here I am, imagining it . . .1. INT. Bare office. Three geeky men. Two of them are dressed as ALIEN MONSTERS. The third, KEN, has a water pistol.The MONSTERS are walking back and forth across the room saying "Beep, Beep" in a rhythmic way, while KEN shoots at them. Every time he shoots he shouts "Pow!"CAP: Balham,

Gary Bainbridgehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03905277818833117885noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-955508035038638675.post-53653786138402941862008-06-24T10:52:00.005+02:002008-06-24T11:02:22.838+02:00

I feel it important to remind my regular readers that this chap does have form in the unauthorised fiddling with ladies' bits arena.Look at him here, waiting, biding his time. Then, at last, the lady bumps are unleashed, and he pounces . . .I've checked with my lawyers and they've assured me there's no way this is prejudicial.

Gary Bainbridgehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03905277818833117885noreply@blogger.com2